The Wrong Way to Save Your Life by Megan Stielstra

Author:Megan Stielstra
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: HarperCollins
Published: 2017-08-01T04:00:00+00:00

26

I got dumped. It was tragic. I loved him so much. I’d have loved him forever. He didn’t love me back and I thought I might die.

I didn’t want to go home, so I went—again, always—to Dia’s bar, waiting for her to close. She kept refilling my drink, so I’m sitting there drinking and crying and drunk and ridiculous, mascara all over my face, snot everywhere, and I hear, “Megan?” I turn around. It’s one of my college students. It was so awful. It was so awkward. He didn’t know what to say, poor guy, as if he could’ve said anything in that moment, and in the end he was like: “But you’re supposed to have your shit together!” To him, I was only his teacher: four hours, once a week, knowledgeable, professional, shit together. And that’s true. I am that person. In classrooms, conferences, festivals, meetings, retreats, workshops, presentations, performances. But there are other parts of me, then and still, that are equally true. I want to sit on the couch and watch Orphan Black and not think about anything. I want to sit with my husband and a bottle of wine and not have to be on. I want to sit on the floor and play with my kid. I want to sit at my laptop and read the news and cry because so much is awful and it’s so hard to stay hopeful and on those days, I shouldn’t be anybody’s cheerleader or mentor or teacher. I don’t know how to help you. I don’t want to read your manuscript. No you can’t pick my brain over coffee. I don’t have time for coffee. I shouldn’t drink this much coffee, I shouldn’t eat this bagel, I want this fucking bagel, fuck you, bagel, fuck you, carbs, fuck you, thyroid. I say fuck a lot. I say the wrong thing. I say the right thing the wrong way. I don’t want to say anything at all. I’m tired. I’m tired. I’m tired.

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